he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
