Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
