Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
