Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
