Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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