Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
