I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
