My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
