never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I'm getting married
To pizza
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
