I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
