Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I am one with the molecules
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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