I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
