I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
