Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
