if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
