You don't have asthma, your pregnant
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
