My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
She needs sedatives and a leash
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
