it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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