fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
