The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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