Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
