If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Randomize
