she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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