just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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