i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize