I'm jealous of your bromance
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
