saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
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