she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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