my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
