i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Say something about gay babies.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
