Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
