The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I just threw up on my dentist
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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