Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
