Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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