Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize