kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
