It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
