I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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