chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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