I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
