I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
i think my cat just said my name.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
