I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
