Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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