Michael Bay diarrhea
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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