Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
