I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
