He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
