I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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