That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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