Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
