He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Floor bacon is actually really good
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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