Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
