she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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