I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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