Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
