went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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