Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
