2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
