I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
So drunk its hurt
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
